Feeling low

I'm just amazed some folk have commented on my blog - didn't think you would somehow - so I am connected to the universe.

No blog for sometime as felt too low - hopefully just coming out of it now, but not sure. Never really know if this is going to be another hellful mega- low or just a blip that's tedious but endurable. Not that I've had a mega-low full scale "clinical" depression for years - six actually - but the fear is always there. I have learnt to 'rate' the blips and I guess I'm on a 5/10 right now, which doesn't seem too bad - everything's relative when you've hit zero before - but still bad enough to have to drag yourself out of bed and not slip back in when you've got the first chance.

Perhaps its just hormonal, but PMT,MT and postMT seems too much - getting on to a third of your life that you're just waiting to pass.

O God, I don't want to do a blog that just moans on all the time, that I only write when I'm low rather than well, as then there's something better to do. I should check out some other blogs & see if they're more inspiring.

Perhaps I should be on lithium which is what "they" would have had after my second bi-polar episode 11 years ago - would that even out the blips or merely create a different "me"? I've been so anti-drugs, I am still sure they're not the solution, but then again I don't want to put up with feeling like this on and off for the rest of my life. I do need some 'strategies' - I've got some but always wonder if there's something new that might help.

I've had 3 major episodes in 17 years with 5 or 6 years between each. I've never written that down before - its like the opening line of an Alchoholics Anonymous meeting. I've always been so determined to deny any label or 'tendency', any pattern that I don't want to be part of me. Would 'acceptance' help 'recovery' - I hate that term, I don't really believe its possible as if your life is like an etch-a-sketch and you just erase the painful parts. I think after time you get on with it/get used to whatever, then "keep on keeping on".

Still mentally tussling on and off with my 11 (going on 16) year old son. Things came to a head a couple of evenings ago when I couldn't take the looks of derision/doormat treatment any longer and I was reduced to tears during our family tea - I went off crying upstairs. Later T came up and apologised and seemed quite upset himself and it was good to see that he could see me as a person with feelings sometimes. I know when I'm feeling less low that what we're going through with T is normal and natural and is probably the start of growing away from home and finding his own identity etc, but when I'm down anyway it feels like my baby who I've loved and done everything for over the years, including ignoring my own self and needs, is now rejecting me and that is so hurtful.

My partner P thinks I was too emotional in front of the children, but I don't know - I think children should realise that adults have feelings too, and that children's actions have consequences - otherwise how do they learn to express and resolve emotions themselves. Since that night T's been really sweet to me on the whole, asked how my day's gone and so on, which is lovely. I think P had a talk with him and explained that I was 'low' at the moment - but I didn't like him doing that. Is that hypocritical after what I just said above about recognising feelings?

My brain hurts, so I'll sign off for now.